Cold & Flu season

As I sit here at my desk, coughing, sneezing, wheezing, a light bulb flashed on. You see, all these years I used to think my mom suffered from some kind of OCD [obsessive compulsive disorder] – but was some of it mainly good sense?

I never questioned her methods when I was a child, but one of the things I remember intensely when we lived in the Middle East is how my mom treated our food from the local markets, stores and Souk. When she would go to the store, she would often wear a pair of gloves and use her gloved hands to select items from the shelf. Then, when we got home, there would be a couple of routines she would follow.

First, with the fresh veggies, she would boil some water, add a small amount of bleach to it, then rinse all the vegetables and fruits, first in the bleach water, then in some clean boiled water. I understood that one and often helped her with the chore since people had mentioned there were a lot of dirt and germs on the fresh produce. OK, I bought into that and still to this day at least use my tap water to rinse all my produce.

Next was the boxed and bagged goods that had grain products. We would shake out all the cereal to make sure there were not any weevils and we would sift the flour through a fine strainer and remove any ‘dark’ splotches that often WERE weevils and such. With this, mom always mentioned that there always were bugs in the grains and sometimes they hadn’t hatched yet when they were packaged. Again, to this day, I have a tendency to sift through my flour products to remove that extra ‘protein’. Not much like that happens anymore [finding the little buggers], but still, once  in a while, I will find them.

Now, the last one, the idea that struck me today. Mom always wiped the boxes, cans and bottles before she put them on the shelf or in the ‘fridge. This is what I mistook as an OCD type behavior. Maybe I was wrong? To get back to my current snuffling: While I can probably blame some of it on the ever-changing weather in Texas and the current allergy season, what if my cold like symptoms came from the store? Yesterday, while going down the Soda aisle, a gentleman that was stocking up a very popular soft drink starting with the letter ‘D’, I noticed the man sneeze [hard to miss that huge honking blow!] Immediately, I decided I was not about to put that snot sprinkled product in MY cart – nor the products to either side. fortunately, the one I wanted was way down at the other end and I had no problem putting it in my basket and getting to a sneeze free zone. I thought nothing more of it – until just a few moments ago. Who are the people who handle the boxes and cans and all other products they stock on the shelves at your local supermarket? There are people packaging the products at bakeries, factories & canning facilities. Then people who move them around the warehouse or stack them on the trucks. Then unload the trucks at the store followed by placing them on the shelves. Some people walk around and pick up a can or box, read the label and put it back. Kids are sneaking things into their parents carts and mom or dad will surreptitiously sneak it back on the shelf. They are people just like you and I and THEY GET GERMS. And sneeze, and rub their noses, and possibly, don’t wash their hands after using the bathroom [oh, don't go there!] So they may sneeze, put up some great cereal boxes. Then cough over the display of cans they are arranging. Or let a dribble nosed toddler carry something around until it gets tired of it, then place it back on a shelf for some unwary clerk to take back to the shelves.

My mom wasn’t OCD, but with the way germs are spreading, perhaps I should be! Maybe that soda delivery guy got one little germ on my twelve pack of sodas and I brought it home. Now, I am not suddenly going to become obsessed with this, but maybe I will be a little more cautious and careful. Already I am thinking of the hotel I will be staying in next week with people from all over the country attending a writer’s convention. Should I take my can of cleaning product and some hand sanitizer? Wear a mask when I enter a room full of people? Yea, the mask probably wouldn’t match my socks, so I’ll skip that accessory. But it can’t hurt to be a little more careful with the everyday items we bring into our homes. I am not a domestic goddess – far from it in fact, so these extra little steps are going to require some work, but I definitely will put some thought into it, and you should as well.

Amazing Aloe

I’ve been painting these little clay pots so that they can become the home to several Aloe Vera pups I’ve been harvesting the last three months. The painting is simple and relaxing, although with more time, anybody could get quite exotic with the patterns they can paint on the pots. This makes a wonderful Valentine’s Day gift, a Mother’s Day gift – or just something for someone you care about  A few years back in the Awanas program at my church, I had the kids paint these pots to take home [with flowers we had bought] to their moms. I had a fantastic time with the kids and the paint washes so easily from your [their] hands!

This particular batch of pots is getting Aloe transplants. Besides being a pretty plant that is easy to grow – even if you ignore it for a couple of months! – Aloe is a very helpful plant to have. Nick yourself on a tin can in the kitchen? Got an itchy insect bite? How about the yucky pimple on your son’s back….or the one on your face! Aloe Vera is not just another pretty face – but a tool you should have in your garden, along your porch, in your kitchen, even in your bathroom. For a rapid use, you just snap off a blade, cut it lengthwise and slap it on whatever ails you.  With a little preparation, you can make rubs, lotions, gels, masks, foot scrubs and more to help you with anything on your skin that itches, burns, stings or blisters as well as small cuts and dry skin. Do not take this plant internally without proper guidance as it can be harmful to you if ingested without proper preparation. But topically, on the skin, this is one of the easiest plants to grow and use. Try one at your home today!

The Souk

From time to time, I post little teaser chapters from my memoirs [Memoirs of a Jeddah Brat, self-published 2007] that are, thus far, an on-going and updated project. Here, in the unedited version, is the chapter summary for the Souk.

 Some of our most pleasant memories of Jeddah were our visits to the Souk. Good or bad, it was an experience that delighted us every time. The Souk Al-Alawi is one of the better known Souk’s of the world. It extends from the Old city of Jeddah and rather than building over the old city as many cities have done, instead, the Saudi’s have built out and around the old city. Nowhere else on earth can you find such a vast array of beauty and desolation.

When you first venture into the Souk, you would think you had entered a bomb-scarred city that was in an ever-present fall to decay. The streets were prone to flooding during the rare rainstorms and filth trickled in the streets in little puddles and rivulets consisting of what you probably don’t want to even think on. There is no visible drainage and you have to step lively and pay sharp attention where you place your feet and what streets you visit.

 One cannot begin to describe the weird and wonderful delights of the Souk. All of your senses were assailed by the differences. The smells, the sounds, the tastes, the noise – all of it can overwhelm your senses. Having probably been there many times yourselves, if you are a Saudi kid, you know what I mean. If you have never traveled to a country and visited a Souk, then here is a very inadequate comparison. Think of a farmer’s market that never quits (and the smell of manure), combine it with a garage sale the size of a football stadium, add in a Mexican market place and toss in a couple of strip malls like what you may find around a tattoo parlor. Finally, add in a throng of dark, swarthy men with the countenance of pirates and the noise of them arguing over something. These men are usually garbed in loose flowing, ankle length shirts known as a thawb with a ghutra held in place by a coil about their heads. Now you just have a bare glimmer of what it was like. If there were women about, it was seldom other than Americans or Europeans. Most women were covered head to toe so as not to show any skin, even the foreign women. The Saudi women are usually covered with a black cloak and veil (abaya) when they leave the house, but foreign women usually can make do with a long dress and especially must wear a scarf covering their hair. Children were well tolerated and even blessed by the Arabs. 

As an aside, as a teen I was once whipped by the religious police with a whip similar to a cat-o-nine-tails, simply because my long granny dress still showed a little too much ankle. I quickly learned to cover myself fully before venturing out into the streets and markets. And MANY times I was pinched hard enough to bruise when in a crowd; heaven only knows if this was an attack or warning. I always thought it was dirty old men getting a cheap thrill, but it could also have been a warning from the more religious group to be more modest as is the station of the woman in that country.

 I liked most about the Souk the ability to bargain for what you were buying. It was fun to shop, no matter what you were looking for. Never pay the price they first ask for, but go through a series of bargaining ploys before you cough up your hard-earned riyals! It was like a game every time you played with masters in every shop. And they had everything. Mostly we stayed in the ‘American’ part of the Souk where each street was laid out with a particular type of goods. You could watch the brass workers making coffeepots, rug and tapestry makers displaying their current work in progress out front while behind them were piles and rolls of rugs of every size and shape, some stacks towering above your head. The woodworks area had finely detailed delicate tables with leaf and scroll works inlaid with ivory or intricately carved window coverings similar to storm shutters in function only but far surpassing them in ornamentation and decoration. Other fine art in the wood area included the painted trunks of which the area was famous for. The were streets of jewelry makers and sellers where you buy raw gems, coins of any nation, hand worked gold bracelets, watches of every make and model and other fine works of jewelry. The price of gold was then much cheaper than in America and often of a much better quality. 22karat and 24 karat gold were predominant and much prized by girls and women of all races. Especially the bracelets. In walking down the spice aisles, you could find incense and spices from around the world. Sandalwood and cloves were always burning and the smell grew on you so that if you were like me, you became addicted to the pleasant aromas. In addition to the many fine and custom perfumes were vials, jars and bottles of hand worked glass. Some of this even would be edged in gold and delicate enough to grace any vanity table. You could find brass tables that shone like gold and were carved or painted with such intricate detail, it would take your breath away. Ornamental wrought iron tables were made on site and in addition to the usual kitsch and junk you could find finely carved wood animals, vases and other artwork. Camels and elephants predominated here, and what home didn’t have a brass or wooden camel in it?  And of course, for some strange reason, there was always a little plastic Santa Claus hanging around somewhere, year round.

 When you needed a breather from shopping, you could sit outside at one of the many coffee bars (where they usually served tea – shay – and cokes instead of coffee) and sample the food of the area. My favorite, and a must during any visit of the Souk, were the Shwarma sandwiches with Fuul (fava beans, garlic & spice). Also sitting nearby, you could usually find some men sitting on the ground sipping at their hubbly bubbly pipes smoking with tobacco, hashish or other aromatic herbs. Going to one of the coffee bars is a good idea if you hear the callers from the minarets sound the call to prayer since you won’t be able to do anything during prayer time. If you happened to be in the Souk during one of the five daily calls to prayer, you would see the shops close up and men lay down their small prayer rugs, face towards Mecca and pray. Women would virtually disappear. The Islam religion tolerates the presence of Christians fairly well since in the Islamic religion, Jesus is considered a Prophet of Allah and Christians are fellow ‘People of the Book’ as dictated by Allah in the Qur’an. But while they tolerate the Christians, they also expect the Christians and other foreigners to ascribe to their social norms and not violate their modest beliefs and practices.

 In retrospect, I often romanticized my visions of the Souk, but harsh reality soaked in during later years as I realized the many beggars who would clutch at your sleeves asking for baksheesh were women who would stick their babies with pins or pinch them to make them cry to play on your sympathies, or street gangs of poor children looking for a few gersch to supplement their income derived from pick pocketing. The more enterprising youths became basket boys and for a mere pittance would follow you around faithfully (and usually honestly) carrying your purchases until you were ready to leave. Often when you arrived at the Souk, there would be a line of basket boys waiting and word would pass among them until one of your regular boys would suddenly appear and ‘take charge’ of your shopping. These basket boys would chase off others vying for your business, recommend good shops to go to for your various quests, and often ward off the beggars for you. Having a basket boy always enhanced the experience of shopping in the open markets.

On the Air!

Be sure and check out this Podcast – you can listen on the phone, download to your computer, iPod or even to an MP-3 player.
Story Circle SCN podcast: Karen Ballinger interviews Rhonda Esakov, the “Tax Lady”: tax tips for writers & much more. http://bit.ly/8XtkEz

Don’t forget, the Story Cicle Network conference for Women Writers is only a month away – first weekend in Feb 2010. Come for the whole weekend or just drop by for a part.

Get Ready for Tax Time

More tips will be coming along as the years go by, but I want to post a timely subject that can help you in the here and now. All of the last thought things you could have done at the end of 2009 have passed, but hopefully, you will take advantage of the things you have learned and carry them forward to all future years.

 To make thing a little easier for your tax preparer, whether a paid person, spouse or even yourself, there are a few things you can gather together to help make the job easier. Once you have all the ‘gathering’ done – the rest is only a matter of a few minutes of data entry into your favorite software system.

 First step – find last year’s tax return. Look at it carefully with a note pad at your side and jot down things that may have changed. Did you move? You’d be surprised how many people just ‘assume’ their tax person knows they have moved and find later on that the address is incorrect. Moving on down the form – who are you claiming as dependants? Your children – parents – a brother? If any of their [the dependants] situations have changed, you need to jot that down as well. Just because you are paying for your child’s college doesn’t mean they won’t rush out with a W-2 in hand and get someone to file a quick refund for them – and they will claim themselves and totally mess up your return! Are you now the caregiver for a parent? Even if they have to file a tax return on their retirement and earnings, you could be able to claim them as a dependant. Is your brother or sister out of work and staying with you? Maybe you can claim them, if they don’t need the deduction or even their children if you are helping to support them.

 The first item on your return is the W-2 or job income. Even though there is a myth out there that you have to get this by Jan. 31^st, it is exactly that – a myth. And employers are waiting later and later to send these out. Wait until the end of Feb. to make sure all of your statements have come in or start calling suspected employers and see if they are even going to send one out. You CAN file a return with your last pay stub, but with all the pre-tax and unusual benefits employers provide these days – it is not a guarantee thing that your final pay stub is going to have the same numbers on it as the official W-2 that is what the IRS and Social Security Administration look at.

 Compare the list of all banks and brokers you had last year. Did you add one, drop one maybe? Make sure you have all the statements from the prior year and look for any new accounts you may have set up or changed over the year. These two lines, for interest and dividends, cause more IRS letters, changes, additional tax charges and audits than any other item on your return. And most of these don’t even start to get mailed until February. With all the confusion and changes in the laws the past few years, it is not unreasonable to expect 2 or even 3 different statements on your account; the last one generally is the most correct, not the first.

 Employee expenses and self-employment income: First, before anything, go out and write down the odometer reading on your vehicle, if you haven’t already.

Write down your vehicle Odometer readings! Oh, and yes the canoe is a deduction too!

 Every single person who works in any way should do this for every vehicle and every year and provide it to your tax person. Collect all your receipts, expense statements, balance your check book and put your credit card statements in order. You could use a shoe box, a spiral notebook or even an expensive bookkeeping software program to gather all your numbers together. The most important thing is to gather everything, put it in order and use a system that YOU completely understand. If you want to jot it all down on a legal pad with a pencil – then do it so that you can understand it. If you want to rubber band all your receipts together and run an adding machine tape on them – do it for your understanding so that it is easy for you to explain. Spread sheets are nice – if you understand your own system and are consistent with it. Bring your check book register and make sure it is at least balanced with the last bank statement of the year. Copy all of your expense reports that you have turned in to your employer and then make a list of things they may NOT have reimbursed you for, such as magazine subscriptions, dry cleaning, toll roads, tools, books, gifts to co-workers [up to $25 per person per event without a receipt needed], decorations for your desk and walls….a lot of hidden deductions are there and you just don’t think during the year to look for them.

 And finally, the itemized deductions.

Total your medical bills, be sure and include any and all insurance payments, deductibles, health club memberships, dentists, eye exams, vitamin supplements – sometimes even a hot tub will count! Weight loss, healthy exercise, personal trainer or stop smoking programs? You bet!

 For taxes – any personal property taxes or local taxes for your vehicle. Know your local sales tax rate and list any ‘big ticket’ items you may have bought such as that new energy efficient A/C unit, siding on your home, a vehicle trade in and more. Also, make sure if you are turning in your mortgage statement with interest that you have listed on it any property taxes on your home[s] or provide a separate statement showing where you have paid this.

 Interest on your home[s] – be sure you provide all statements, especially if your mortgage was sold to another company. If you have purchased or refinanced a home, bring the closing statement so your preparer can find those hidden, prorated costs that are deductible.

 And last, but not least – charity. MY FAVORITE. Bring all receipts or list the ones where you are missing receipts. Did you know that for every bag of clothing that you donate to church or a place like Goodwill you could claim from $250 to $500 PER BAG of donated goods? The average person, in America, claims a donation of approximately 15% of their gross income in donated goods and you are allowed to claim up to 50% of your income in donations. Be sure you are taking advantage of your legal right to claim all donations. In fact, the government LIKES you to claim these things as some organizations are not reporting everything that they are receiving. But most of the time, these are worthy groups and they do good works with your help. If you do not know how to properly value your donation, ask a professional for help and do not attempt to do this on your own.

 As with all items for income or expense, this discussion should be used to make you think and discuss this with someone that is properly trained in identifying and classifying taxable and deductible items. Please do not use this discussion as your basis for proof in preparing your own taxes, but seek professional help.

Happy New Year

I thought it was bad trying to work at home with family nearby – but now I am in Dallas with my SIL & BIL and truly, it’s nearly impossible to think. Family – food – fun – can’t be beat for the proper way to start he New Year!

I didn’t know how much I missed the large family gatherings of my youth. The women, whether in the yard, garden or kitchen – would carry on multiple conversations, sometimes even the teen on the long phone card would wander back into the kitchen and get in the conversation – while maintaining the phone conversation. The men didn’t dare intervene in the hive wanderings – they were relegated to tote and carry.

The first time my husband accompanied me home to the ‘hive central’; I could tell that although he had grown up in a large family, he was not happy listening to more than one conversation at a time before he would start getting irritated, like swatting bees that are buzzing around his head. In fact, I’ve seen him schwap at his head and shake it when he gets irritated – I’ll bet he’s slapping at metaphorical bees!

I just want to wish all my friends, family, clients and especially our troops – a very peaceful and prosperous, loving New Year.

Soldier has a bad day

Have you ever had one of those really bad days when things really get you down? And to make matters worse – you are far away from home and it is Christmastime? Let me tell you about a soldier that recently had a bad day.

On Sunday, my son and I met a couple others and went to the late showing of a new movie. When we got out of the theater, it was about 1:30 in the morning and literally, freezing outside. We were the last two, save one way far off, cars in the parking lot. As we walk to our cars, a young guy calls out to us across the lot, “Hey, do you happen to have any jumper cables?” The other car with us did not have any, but I usually do have some. Sure enough, a good newish strong pair rest under the back seat. I drive over to his car and we hook up, attempting to start the car. Our first attempts don’t work, so we let it charge for a few minutes and try again. No joy. Dang. This young kid, surely under 21, says he needs to buy a new battery and asks if there is a place nearby. We tell him Wal-Mart is just up the street. He was going to walk, but I offered him a ride.  The young man didn’t have a coat, just a thin, long-sleeved shirt. He was somewhat reluctant, but finally agreed we could take him. Apologizing, I asked to see some ID. He shows me an ID that immediately identifies him as a soldier from Ft. Hood. I take the pass over to our friends’ car and show them the ID and make note of the name. They agreed to follow us to Wal-Mart with their cells phones ready to dial 911, you just can’t be too safe these days.

We make it to Wal-Mart and drop him off, offering to wait and take him back, but again, he turns us down. So we drive off, feeling good for doing our good samaritan bit and head for our homes and warm beds.

Little did I know that the soldier’s day was going to get worse after we left him. As I was cleaning out the back of my truck this morning, I spot something on the floor that doesn’t look like my normal junk [props for my outdoor courses]. I pick it up and discover – the young man’s wallet! It had fallen out of his pocket and between the seats. Oh my gosh, I was so upset. How did he get his new battery? How did he get back to Ft. Hood – or even on the base! No coat, car won’t start, an hour from his base, freezing temps in the wee morning hours – and now – no ID, no money – nothing.

Attempting to find out something, maybe a phone number or address, I had to open the wallet and violate his privacy. No phone number, he is from California so no local address. I just had a name and ‘Ft. Hood’. Dang. Digging a little deeper, and feeling bad that I have to, I find a piece of paper and open it – it is a duty roster sheet and lo and behold, our guy is on there and I have the shipping address for the building he works at. Yea! I try to call information [not a good thing to use successfully these days] and couldn’t find a phone number for the soldier locally. When I called the main number at Ft. Hood, they couldn’t help me either. Finally, I just took the wallet to the post office and overnighted it to his office. 

So a poor kid, far from home at Christmas time, no money, no ID, no car, freezing in the middle of the night. He would have to jump through hoops to get back on the base without his pass or any type of ID; especially in light of the tight security measures after the shooter kills several on the base last month. Losing your ID is a VERY big deal and I am sure he caught hell for it. What a bad night. I hope he gets his wallet in time before Christmas. I wish I could have done more for PFC Aaron G. – God Bless our Troops!

Only ONE more day!

Has it been a week already since my last post? Well, almost anyway.  It’s hectic everywhere but I do want to take time and remind everybody [well, women mostly] to take time and sign up for the Stories from the Heart conference in Austin in February, 2010. The early registration closes tomorrow, December 15th. What a lovely gift this would make for a loved one or friend in your life – the chance to attend a wonderful, memorable conference that will encourage someone to share their life story, or at least get it written down for themselves, their own loved ones too. It’s fun, it’s healing, it’s informative – with a little something for everyone. Even if you can’t make the trip to Austin to attend the conference, a gift membership to Story Circle Network is a treasure as well.

Also, I forgot to mention it on Thursday last week, but I was a guest at Women’s Memoirs with a blog post and recipe for Gingerbread Characters. Please stop by the site and browse around for a little bit of wonderful reading. Here is the site; you’ll want to bookmark it and visit it frequently after just one taste!

http://womensmemoirs.com/scrapmoir/kitchenscraps-remembering-gingerbread-characters-by-rhonda-esakov/

Christmas? It’s only about two weeks away and I, of course have only barely begun. Many of my presents this year will be home-baked goodies, hand-made items and self penned missives. Although I would love to have thousands, or even dozens of dollars to give to charity or even to buy that special gizmo and gadget for my loved ones and those in need, I’d much rather just be able to pay the insurance bill and house payment. But what I do give will be given from the heart, and I think that is what counts the most in the long run. My prayers will be for our troops, for my friends, for those not in stellar health and constant blessings for those near and far. Don’t sweat the small stuff people, just give love and it will be enough!

Don’t Forget Charity!

I don’t often get on a ‘band stand’, but one thing I do really feel deeply about is charity. And that includes volunteer work as well, but for today’s topic, we’ll just talk about charitable donations and how it can help you on your taxes.

 These tips are generally meant to be for writers, but they can help many people out whether you have a business or just file a personal tax return. Now is the time for you to clean out all those closets and drawers and donate those gently used items to your favorite charity before the end of the year so that you can take advantage of the deduction on your tax return. Clothing, linens, coats, shoes, toys, furniture, electronics, household goods, books and more – all are welcome

 First topic: Your Christmas tree and organic green wreathes. What do you do with them when you are done with them as a decoration? First, if you have a live tree – plant it or donate it somewhere that it can be planted. If you donate it to a place to be planted such as a school, church, park, veterans home and other worthy places, you can deduct the price of the tree as a tax deduction. If you don’t have a plantable tree with roots, then consider donating it to a zoo. The animals, especially the elephants, love to eat these things and it is a very nutritious treat for them. First though, you need to contact the zoo or animal safari place well in advance and ask if they even want the trees. Then, you have to make a very special effort to clean every last drop of tinsel, hooks and decoration off the tree as these things are very harmful to the animals. Again, if you donate the item to a zoo, etc – you can take the cost of the tree as a tax deductible donation.

 What can help a writer though? First of all, you can donate books. If you look back at the previous posting about books, you will learn the basics about how to value this deduction. Instead of taking it off of your personal return as an itemized deduction on Schedule A, your business can deduct the books and other donated goods from your business return. This can mean an additional tax savings of more than 15% over using it on a personal return; especially if you file as a sole proprietor on a Schedule C. A few of the common places that love to accept the books are: schools, churches, nursing homes, veterans’ homes and libraries.

 You may also make cash donations or buy items and donate them to a charity in the business name. For example, your business can buy three tickets to a Christmas play and donate it to one of the organizations, such as the Jaycees, for the children to enjoy. There are many such charities as these that take kids to sports games, rodeos, movies, a circus and a variety of cultural and holiday events throughout the year.

 I highly encourage you to talk to your tax preparer about charity items that you have donated during the year so they can tell you exactly where to place it on your tax return. There are rules and limitations on using charity as a deduction and these change from year to year as to amounts and qualified items that you can donate, so please be sure to only use this information as a discussion topic and get professional advice on the current rules. Regardless of whether or not you use a charity deduction on your tax return, just please do give. One man’s trash is another man’s treasure.

Fat travels, aka Saggy Boobs and Dun-Laps disease

Those of you that follow my blog [and any new readers that are just dropping in], know from looking here that I rarely talk about myself or family. But today, I wanted to discuss an old myth or belief. Fat travels as we get older. Things stretch out and get misplaced on our bodies, creating such things as saggy boobs and bottoms, Dun-laps disease, baggy jowls and so on. First of all, those of you who don’t know me well – I am fat. Always have been.

Now – background. Fact or myth, I know that all my life I have observed this phenomena that heavy people and large chested or bottomed people eventually develop this ’sag’. It was highly evidenced in my mom and both grandmothers as the older they got, their, um, parden the insensitivity, their boobs started to look like tennis balls in the bottom of a sock. A long sock. A tube or knee high sock. OK. I could deal with that. It was part of life and genetic heritage. It was gonna happen to me.

So, applying this theory to mine own self, I looked in the mirror at these two lumps of useless ‘fill’ on my back side just below my waist line. I call them my saddle bags. I have no butt or hips to speak of, never have – but have always had these two love handles. [Don't we have great names for some of these things?] I have railed in the past that nature should have just shoved them down a few inches and I would have a nice curvy bottom and maybe some hips thrown in to boot. Or I’ve said my butt was displaced. Whatever. But in the back of my mind, I just knew – I KNEW – that eventually the fat would creep down in my older years and give me the curves in the place I wanted them. Kinda like the saggy boobs.  Well, I’ve passed the 50 mark a while back and it STILL HASN’T HAPPENED. I still have the saddle bags, flat butt and no hips to speak of. Still can wear the size 12 jeans and have the sides and rear bag loose on me.

I’ll also note here that the boobs aren’t in any hurry to keep up the tradition either, although they may have changed their point of focus, if you get my drift. So what I want to know – is what the heck happened? All these years of waiting – and the myth has proven to exclude me. Nature – I want my well deserved and long awaited butt so I can wear a pair of women’s jeams and look like a danged woman in them! I’d even take the saggy boobs as a trade off. I served my time as a perky youth and deserve some benefits of genetics and older age, right? Nuff said.